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The Furry Jerk Wants to Give you a Pumpkin Head Deluxe!

Saturday, May 16th, 2009 4:00 am by RCW

Furry Jerk with Poncho

Get a P.H.D. - No Studying Required!

Are you a student currently studying your ass off in a PhD program? If so, you’ve probably spent countless hours for the past few years trying to attain a piece of paper that grants you the title of “Doctor”.

The bad news is that the Furry Jerk could have saved you A LOT of time and money by giving you a very special P.H.D. However, this is no ordinary piece of paper we’re talking about. This is a Pumpkin Head Deluxe, also known as a P.H.D!

What is a Pumpkin Head Deluxe?

You’re probably asking yourself, “What does receiving this type of P.H.D entail? Can I command a higher salary? Can I write prescriptions with a Pumpkin Head Deluxe?”. Well, of course you can silly! Unfortunately, before all that occurs, the Furry Jerk will have to violently pummel the living snot out of your face until your head swells to the size of a pumpkin. He may even throw in a FREE curbing.

Pumpkin Head DeluxedIf you haven’t figured it out, a Pumpkin Head Deluxe is a type of severe beating that leaves your face swollen to the point of looking like a pumpkin. Many gang leaders issue out PHDs as a form of internal punishment when one of their own breaks the rules (i.e. snitching to the cops or fraternizing with rival gang members). The beating is usually dished out by 3 or more people and may include punches and kicks to the face, stomps to the head, and elbows and knees to the chin. Injuries may include, but aren’t limited to, a broken nose, fat or split lips, missing teeth, black eyes that are swollen shut, a fractured jaw, and multiple bumps and bruises around the face and head. Now doesn’t that seem easier than sitting through an extra 3-4 years of college?

Some Good News for Head Trauma Survivors

For those of you who have survived any of the following, you may indeed put “P.H.D” next to your name on your resume:

  • A car accident where your head went through the windshield face first.
  • A mauling to the head by a bear, mountain lion, pit bull, or mountain gorilla.
  • A fall from a 2nd story building (or higher) and landing on your face or head.

What is with the Mexican poncho?

Well, the Furry Jerk likes to wear a poncho when caving-in your face because:

  • It keeps him warm - It gets chilly at night. This is the optimal time to “hand out” P.H.Ds because it’s harder for nosey neighbors to see what’s going on, making it less likely for them to call the cops.
  • It absorbs his sweat - Let’s face it, brutalizing your face is quite the workout!
  • It absorbs your blood - As you can see, the Furry Jerk likes to keep his finely coiffed auburn fauxhawk stain free.
  • For your very own Mexican poncho, click here!

Editor’s note #1: With all the online schools and classes, what about getting my P.H.D online? Well here at OfferOfTheDay we have a solution for you. Just take your keyboard or laptop and smash it against your face and head as hard as you can until you lose consciousness. You should wake up with a P.H.D.

Editor’s note #2: One of the co-founders here at OfferOfTheDay is on his way to getting a PhD. If he only knew how easy and cost effective a “Pumpkin Head Deluxe” would have been in comparison to enrolling in his current PhD program…who knows?

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10 USER COMMENTS:

By ryadmin on 01/23/2008 at 8:24 pm - <- Administrator

I bet Joe “Daddy” Stevenson woke up with a P.H.D. the morning after his UFC fight with BJ Penn. BJ Penn also gave George St. Pierre a P.H.D. in their fight.

By Andy Wang's Overhand Right on 01/24/2008 at 9:35 am -

The Furry Jerk sure has a smug, self satisfied look on his face while wearing that poncho. How about I give him an overhand right for extra credit so that he graduates from his PhD curriculum with honors. Shank you with my fucking shank if I have to.

By ryadmin on 01/24/2008 at 1:40 pm - <- Administrator

Andy Wang’s Overhand Right wrote:

The Furry Jerk sure has a smug, self satisfied look on his face while wearing that poncho. How about I give him an overhand right for extra credit so that he graduates from his PhD curriculum with honors. Shank you with my fucking shank if I have to.

I don’t know about that Andy. The Furry Jerk has “Gorilla Grip” and many other tools in his arsenal. You, my dear boy, only have that “Overhand Right”.

By admin on 01/24/2008 at 7:14 pm - <- Administrator

Andy Wang’s Overhand Right wrote:

The Furry Jerk sure has a smug, self satisfied look on his face while wearing that poncho. How about I give him an overhand right for extra credit so that he graduates from his PhD curriculum with honors. Shank you with my fucking shank if I have to.

Remember what Joe Rogan says about chimp-strength. It’s kind of like grappling with Karo “The Heat” Parisyan. You might as well kiss that shank goodbye, because the Furry Jerk will be using it to cut his dinner steak tonight.

By Top 10 Posts by OfferOfTheDay | Offer of the Day on 01/26/2008 at 4:15 pm -

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By types of gangs on 06/03/2008 at 7:41 pm -

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By Holiday Fashion Fail | Offer of the Day on 12/06/2009 at 8:00 am -

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