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Some "Nutty" Wedding Advice

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007 4:00 am by RCW

Bride and GroomDo you want to lend a certain bride and groom a “helping hand” in conceiving their first child without getting herpes? Here’s how to do this while having a “nutty” time at their wedding.

HISTORICAL FACT: During ancient Roman weddings (around 100 A.D.), the Romans ritually tossed almonds at the bride and groom as a symbol of fertility.

AlmondsSo the next time you’re invited to a wedding, be sure to buy a few cans of salted almonds and arrive to the wedding early; the earlier you are, the easier it is to find a seat close to the bride and groom. Sneak in the almond cans and keep them by your feet. Throughout the ceremony, as you pelt the bride and groom with almonds, you will likely be applauded by the wedding party for being “unique” and “historically aware”. Just follow the directions below:

How to throw almonds at the bride and groom:

  1. During the ceremony, wait until there is complete silence; this will ensure that you are in total focus. Wait until everyone is seated; this will ensure that you have direct line of sight to the bride and groom.
  2. Grab a handful of almonds located conveniently at your feet. Pop a few in your mouth for that extra healthy energy boost.
  3. Stand up and take a deep breath. Clear your mind and relax … but don’t lose focus.
  4. Wind up your throw, almost like how a baseball pitcher would. If you have played baseball or softball, then this should be second nature.
  5. Remember to keep your eyes on the bride and groom. Aim for their heads. ALWAYS aim for their heads.
  6. Throw the almonds with all your might - you want them to be fertile don’t you? As you throw, you should exhale and follow through with your pitch.
  7. Sit back down and pay attention to the wedding. You will hear some gasps and comments from the crowd. Don’t worry, they are commenting on your pitching skills. However, if anyone confronts you, just tell them that “It’s a symbol of fertility.“.
  8. Repeat steps 1-7 again and again at different stages of the ceremony.

Suggested Times to Commence Firing

tmn_almonds

  • While the bride walks down the aisle - For some reason, the bride will walk down the aisle very slowly. This will give you ample time to reload and fire off 3 to 4 shots at her veiled head.
  • While the bride and groom read their vows - Why not chuck a few at the priest while you’re at it?
  • During the exchange of rings - You get extra “fertility” points for knocking the ring out of the groom’s hands.
  • While the wedding party leaves the ceremony - Fire a few at some of the hot and single bridesmaids - this will impress them and may help you “score” with them after the reception.
  • While the bride and groom pose for pictures - You get extra “fertility” points if the picture shows almonds bouncing off one of the bride or groom’s cranium.

Anyways…, as the bride and groom “retreat” into their limo, all the unoriginal people throwing rice at the church steps will be left speechless. They will probably want to know where you got your fantastic idea to throw almonds. Turn to them with a pompous look on your face, and tell them: OfferOfTheDay.com. Cherish this memory. Remember, you helped symbolically play a part in the fertile future of the happy couple and that’s what really counts.

Note: Remember to bring a can of almonds to the reception as well…if you’re still invited. And why wouldn’t you be? Also, you can try out this scenario at the wedding too.

Suggested Almonds: Salted, Wasabi, Butta Toasted

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9 USER COMMENTS:

By Listat on 10/02/2007 at 9:09 am -

I’m gonna try this little “circus act” at the next wedding I attend. I’ll stand next to the exit just in case the bride’s dad starts threatening me, so i can make a quick getaway.

By ryadmin on 10/02/2007 at 9:20 am - <- Administrator

I’ll stand next to the exit just in case the bride’s dad starts threatening me, so i can make a quick getaway.

If by “threatening” you mean “showering you with hugs”, then by all means stand by the exit because everyone will appreciate your concern for the bride and groom’s fertility.

By Fleiger on 10/02/2007 at 9:42 pm -

Why not chuck a few at the priest while you’re at it?

Maybe the “fertility” part should answer that question.

Waiting for the follow-up post on how to escape unscathed from the wrath of angry wedding party…

By ryadmin on 10/03/2007 at 9:07 am - <- Administrator

Waiting for the follow-up post on how to escape unscathed from the wrath of angry wedding party…

Fleiger, I’m going to attempt this at my friend’s wedding in a few months and don’t worry…I know defensive techniques. I’ll definitely post the results…maybe from jail if I have to.

By Weekend Reading for 10/06/07 on 10/06/2007 at 1:22 pm -

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By Violent Buddhist on 08/21/2008 at 10:31 am -

I can’t wait to get my salty nuts on their faces

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