The Hand Sanitizer Manifesto (3/3)

In this article, you will learn what to do in a public restroom (nothing gay). This is the final installment of The Hand Sanitizer Manifesto for now.

Public Restrooms Are Death Traps!

How many times have you been at a public restroom and noticed someone leave the restroom without washing their hands? These genuine jackasses actually grab the door handles smearing bacteria all over the handle. By the way, these defiled door handles are the only way in and out.

If you have to use the public restroom, you might think that some part of your body has to make contact with the restroom door in order for it to open. NOPE! Here are your options:

1. You can wait for someone to enter or exit the restroom and slip your way in. It takes patience (and a strong bladder) to wait for someone to come around sometimes, but when it happens, usually the person exiting will politely keep the door open for you.
2. You can pull your sleeve down over your hands so that it makes a makeshift “glove”(You’ll get some stares if you try this with a short sleeved shirt). The shirt will create a barrier between you and the door that will stop most bacteria. Note: your shirt will have to go straight into the incinerator or garbage when you get home.
3. Call management or security and tell them that “someone” has fainted inside the bathroom. As they open the door, quickly slip inside and head straight for a stall. While you are using the bathroom, sarcastically apologize to the person that let you in and say something like “I guess the person that fainted regained consciousness and left”. Remember that any stupid lie will work. The bottom line is - you didn’t have to touch that wretched door handle.
4. You can suck it up, bite the bullet, and use your hands to open the door. You’ll start feeling a tingling sensation all across your palm. This “tingling” is actually the germs experiencing mitosis as they multiply and crawl all over your hands and dig into your pores. Don’t panic when this happens, if you remember the “Golden Rule” you will be saved.

At this point, you’re in the bathroom and you’ve done your business. Number 1, Number 2, Number 3¹…it doesn’ matter. The next question is “What do I do now? “. The answer is simple - SOAP. You should wash your hands any way you can, even if it’s just with running water. The soap inside the restroom is probably not antimicrobial, or even antibacterial, but it will do for now. If there’s no soap, turn on the hot water from the faucet. Try to get the temperature of the water to scalding. “What temperature is that?” you ask? It’s not quite boiling but you’ll know it when you feel it. Since you can’t really get the water to boiling, this will only kill some of the germs. After washing your hands with scalding water, your hands will be left with what I call the “throbbing fresh” feeling.

To exit the restroom, grab anywhere between 5 and 10 paper towels and construct a makeshift glove to open the door. Doing this is quite the norm now - anyone who’s anyone does this nowadays. If you don’t do this, you will probably look like a NERD while the other patrons in the restroom speak ill of you as you leave. They’ll probably say something like “Look at that nerd, he’s still using his bare hands to open restroom doors. Don’t they teach him what germs are in Nerd School.” If there are no paper towels, you are left with some of the options defined above. When you get outside the restroom, use the hand sanitizer ASAP.

Want to learn what NOT to do? Click Here

Please comment below on how YOU use your hand sanitizer.

1. Those of you who have been to developing countries and have sampled the water will know what I mean. Imagine a Number 2, but coming out like a Number 1 [^]