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The Hand Sanitizer Manifesto (Part 2)

Tuesday, September 18th, 2007 4:00 am by RCW
Offer of the Day (09/18/2007):
Germ Defense Effervescent Dietary Supplement, Lemon-Lime, 10 Tablets (Pack of 4)
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This is a continuation of The Hand Sanitizer Manifesto (Part 1) where we outlined the “Golden Rule” of hand sanitizer. In this article, you will learn why shaking hands is “DUMB” and how a little trick with a “pen” can help.

Shaking Hands - Who Started This Crap?

No Handshaking Allowed!First off, avoid shaking hands with people AT ALL COSTS! All that shaking hands does nowadays is exchange bacteria. Sit down in a public area and observe what others do with their hands and you’ll know what I mean. It doesn’t take a wild imagination to think of what they do in private. What do you do?…PERVERT!

If you are forced to shake someone’s hand, for example in a job interview or at a funeral…you WILL have the urge to vomit. Just bite your lip, put on that rehearsed smile, and swallow the puke down as deep as it can go. Repeat the following phrase over and over in your head: “Let the hand sanitizer do what it was born to do ”. Then use the hand sanitizer. It really is that simple. However, you should wait until you’re out of that person’s field of vision to apply hand sanitizer. To do so in mid-conversation, immediately after the handshake, may offend your new “friend”. Or you can do what I do: “The One-Hand, In-Pocket, Hand Sanitizer Rub“.

How to perform “The One-Hand, In-Pocket, Hand Sanitizer Rub”:

  1. Keep a Germ Defense Pen, in your RIGHT pants pocket. NEVER wear pants or shorts in public that does not have at least a RIGHT pocket!
  2. After shaking hands, nonchalantly put BOTH of your hands in your pockets, as to not arouse suspicion.
  3. Keep the conversation going and keep that rehearsed smile plastered on your face. More importantly, don’t draw any attention to your pants pocket area. Remember to keep eye contact with the person you’re talking to throughout this entire ordeal. With your mind racing at this point, it’s sort of hard to pay attention to someone blabbering at you, so, sometimes a generic smile-and-nod system will have to do.
  4. Now, with your right hand, slowly remove the cap of the Germ Defense Pen while it’s still in the pocket. This could be quite difficult if you have anything else in this pocket - I suggest using your LEFT pocket to hold your wallet, keys, and/or cell phone.
  5. Squeeze spray some hand sanitizer in your palm (a dime sized portion will suffice). You will have to do this with your thumb and index fingers while the pen pointing inwards towards your palm. You may have to fake a cough to disguise the spraying sound, but your hand and pants should muffle it.
  6. Recap the Germ Defense Pen - so that it doesn’t look like you wet your pants.
  7. Do “The One-Hand, In-Pocket, Hand Sanitizer Rub”. While doing “The One-Hand, In-Pocket, Hand Sanitizer Rub”, your hand should look as though you’re sort of making the “Where’s my money? ” gesture. Or it might look like how Indiana Jones was sifting sand through his hand right before he switched the golden idol with the sandbag in the opening sequence of Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981).

NOTE: This little trick will also work with a mini bottle of Purell.

Rubbing hand sanitizer with only one hand inside a confined space like your pocket takes practice. WARNING: people may think that you are playing “pocket pool” if you try this wearing very tight pants - I suggest locking yourself in a room and practicing before trying it out in public (pull the curtains shut too). If anyone ever notices your hands fumbling around your pockets, don’t get too self-conscious - they’ll just think you have jock-itch or a yeast infection. I’ve performed “The One-Hand, In-Pocket, Hand Sanitizer Rub” dozens upon dozens of occasions, without ANYONE noticing my patented move.

One thing to look out for is getting introduced to another person and forced to shake their hand while in mid-rub from a previous handshake. Here, you will either have to stall until the hand sanitizer dries or you can just shake the hand and hope he or she doesn’t say anything about your damp, clammy, yet fresh smelling hands. Or you can do what I do: Totally ignore the 2nd person’s gesture of goodwill by keeping your hands IN YOUR POCKETS. Remember to look at this person with disdain and give “Mr. Interupty” the “I’m better than you ” smirk. Keep in mind, you don’t need to know EVERYONE on this planet. If this happens in a job interview, prepare to keep sending out those resumes.

Product Description:

  • 0.5 fl oz Spray
  • Pack of 9 spray pens
  • Kills 99.99% of most common germs
  • A unique 15 ml spray bottle that fits in your pocket, purse, or backpack

Tomorrow, Part 3, Learn What To Do In Public Restrooms (Nothing Gay)

Read Part 1: The Hand Sanitizer Manifesto

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3 USER COMMENTS:

By SomeYoungGuy on 09/19/2007 at 9:56 am -

Do as the JAPs do… and bow.

By ryadmin on 09/20/2007 at 8:50 am - <- Administrator

SomeYoungGuy wrote:

Do as the JAPs do… and bow.

SomeYoungGuy, that’s a great alternative. The Japanese are ahead of us in technology, education, pornos involving schoolgirl outfits, and now bacteria prevention. However, I prefer to do the Vulcan “V handed salute” from Star Trek and repeat “Live long and prosper” over shaking hands.

By ryadmin on 09/23/2007 at 12:23 pm - <- Administrator

Howard Stern was hyping these pens (or pens like this) in one of his broadcasts.

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