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Want to Look Like a Jerk? Pick Your Teeth in Public!

Monday, September 10th, 2007 4:00 am by BGW
Offer of the Day (09/10/2007):
Tea Tree Chewing Sticks (600 Pack)
by Thursday Plantation
User Review:
1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (17 votes, average: 4.53 out of 5)

We are proud to have Tea Tree Chewing Sticks by Thursday Plantation as today’s offer. These tea flavored chewing sticks are a godsend! You’ll walk different, talk different, type different, and your bowel movements will be more enjoyable.

Don’t get the wrong impression, incorporating these little chewing sticks into your life will be very fulfilling; but it’s a huge, huge “lifestyle” change. To some degree, the stigma is comparable to being recognized as one of those perverts from Dateline’s “To Catch A Predator” show…but in a bad way.

Sound excessive? Let me explain … while chewing these sticks, you’ll often be confronted by hurtful, spiteful, chew-stick-ignorant people.

First, it’ll start off as whispers from patrons next to you at a bar, or smug looks across a restaurant lobby; but then, you’ll start hearing ignorant, close-minded comments such as “Hey Jerk, take that toothpick out of your mouth!” , “Look at the Jerk with the fancy toothpick!”, or “We got ourselves one of those chewstick-loving hippies”.

Sometimes you’ll just be fed-up and want to reply, “It’s not a toothpick! It’s a CHEWING stick… Jackass!”. But don’t - you’ll be stooping down to their level. Be proud that you are a chewing stick lover. You’ll be able to wake up every morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and be content.

Special Advice from OfferOfTheDay.com

The next time you head out to a bar, stick a pack of Thursday Plantation Tea Tree Chewing Sticks in your pocket. Stick a chewing stick in your mouth and pompously stroll into the bar and take a seat. When you need to take a swig of that beer or a sip of that Vodka on the rocks, just move the chewing stick to the corner of your lips and drink. If you are drinking from a glass, stick that chewing stick right up in the glass as if it weren’t even there and drink to your heart’s content.

Remember, there is only one reason you ever have to take out a chewing stick before you’re done with it - and that’s to take off your shirt before hopping in the sack with that hottie you just met at the bar (you know, the chick you used the chewing stick as a “conversation starter” with); after the shirt is off, you can immediately put the chewing stick back in your mouth…she won’t mind.

Let me lay down a scenario you can play out at your convenience once your Thursday Plantation Tea Tree Chewing Sticks have arrived.

When you are in the middle of chewing on a Thursday Plantation Tea Tree Chewing Stick and someone stops by to discuss something with you (for example, your neighbor coming to scold you on how unkempt your lawn is), keep that chewing stick IN YOUR MOUTH. This knuckle-head … we’ll call him “Booker T” for the sake of this example … came to interrupt you during your precious “stick chewing time”. Just go on picking your teeth while “Booker T” talks about something you have absolutely no interest in. Let your mind roam freely as you clean your teeth. In the middle of “Booker T’s” rambling diatribe, rudely interrupt him by flicking your chewing stick on the ground. Immediately drop to your knees, bow your head to the ground, and pound the ground violently with your fists. With the coarsest voice you can muster, scream the following speech that I have prepared especially for you:

“Mother Earth … I have returned to thee what is rightfully yours! (pause dramatically here for effect) Your woodland progeny has NOT perished in vain! I give thee back your wayward son!”

BTW - remember that last scene of Planet of the Apes (1968) with Charlton Heston? … that’s the type of emotion we’re trying to conjure here. Remember to stay prostrate on the ground, fists pounding the floor, maniacally screaming that last line over and over until “Booker T” decides to leave.

After this display, “Booker T” will be so impressed at the lengths you’ve gone to for clean teeth. He’ll feel too self-conscious about his own inferior teeth cleaning skills that he won’t ever talk to you or look your way again.

Anyways, for the price, these chewing sticks will make a great addition to your post-meal routine. You’ll be mildly surprised at their effectiveness. Try them instead of gum next time you go out with friends. They’ll be jealous and will want to try one. You can then chastise them for being a bunch of unoriginal, “coattail-riding” bastards.

Product Description

Thursday Plantation Tea Tree Chewing Sticks help reduce bad breath and support oral hygiene by eliminating odor causing bacteria that can lodge between teeth after eating.

FEATURES AND BENEFITS:

  • Contains Tea Tree Oil, a natural antiseptic
  • Suitable for assistance in quiting smoking

DIRECTIONS FOR USE:

  • Use after eating to remove food lodged between teeth
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7 USER COMMENTS:

By Mike M. on 09/10/2007 at 10:40 am -

You forgot that you can flick these dirty suckers at people you are annoyed with.

By Tits Magoo on 09/10/2007 at 10:56 am -

“once your Thursday Plantation Tea Tree Chewing Sticks has arrived. “

Do you mean one can only acquire these mouthwatering woodland shoots through shipment? What if I can’t wait that long to walk different, talk different, type different and finally enjoy a satisfactory bowel movement?

Do tell if there is a local resource in the Bay. I MUST have these toothpicks at once!!!

By ryadmin on 09/10/2007 at 11:19 am - <- Administrator

Do tell if there is a local resource in the Bay. I MUST have these toothpicks at once!!!

Ms. Magoo, the only way you can get these on the “internet”, or on Earth, is by clicking our “more info” link above, and placing an order through Amazon.com. If anyone else says that they are selling these, they are probably knock-offs made out of cheap firewood, dipped in home-made “tea” flavor. And yes…, this home-made tea flavor that I’m referring to is probably created by some guy squatting over a mug of warm water soaking his hairy “bag”; in essense he is “tea-bagging” this mug to create this “flavor”. So I direct this question to you Ms. Magoo: “Do you honestly want to stick that in your mouth?”.

By Crackhead Bob on 09/10/2007 at 11:38 am -

ryadmin wrote:

in essense he is “tea-bagging” this mug to create this “flavor”. So I direct this question to you Ms. Magoo: “Do you honestly want to stick that in your mouth?”.

Too much 411.

By admin on 09/10/2007 at 12:01 pm - <- Administrator

Your bowel movements will be more “enjoyable” because of all that FIBER contained within the chewing stick.

By Tits Magoo on 09/10/2007 at 12:18 pm -

Do tell if there is a local resource in the Bay. I MUST have these toothpicks at once!!!

ryadmin wrote:

…squatting over a mug of warm water soaking his hairy “bag”; in essense he is “tea-bagging” this mug to create this “flavor”. So I direct this question to you Ms. Magoo: “Do you honestly want to stick that in your mouth?”.

I’m a raging lesbo. So the answer is an enthusiastic “Nope”.

By admin on 09/10/2007 at 3:01 pm - <- Administrator

Tits Magoo wrote:

I’m a raging lesbo. So the answer is an enthusiastic “Nope”.

Oh yeah? Are you a lipstick Lesbian??

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