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Burpees: The Anti-Social Way to Stay Fit

Wednesday, November 28th, 2007 4:00 am by RCW

At OfferOfTheDay, we believe you’ll need an exercise you can do in the convenience of your own room. We’ll show you a solo bodyweight exercise that’s free, hygienic, and can be performed anywhere with no assistance. It’s quite possibly the best body weight exercise ever invented; it’s called a burpee.

We’ll show you:

  1. Why the burpee is perfect for the anti-social
  2. How to do a burpee
  3. Burpee workout routines and variations
  4. Who’s doing burpees … besides us

Burpees and being Anti-Social:

Getting in shape is tough enough without having to deal with other people slowing you down. Yet most people seek the company of others (who usually smell like “armpit”) in order to motivate themselves to work out.

We’re here to tell you that you can be anti-social and still get a great workout. Plus, you shouldn’t be using sweaty, bacteria-riddled workout machinery at the gym. Also, remember that running in the park by yourself is dangerous. If I were a rapist or mugger, that’s where I’d be …. and that’s for damn sure! You may end up with a P.H.D.

Three scenarios you may have to deal with to keep fit while staying anti-social…

BurpeesScenario #1: Your friends ask if you would like to participate in some physical activity. This may include lifting weights, basketball, touch football, soccer, going for a run, paint-balling, etc… Respond concisely with:

Nah, I think I’m going to do some burpees in my room.

Scenario #2: Your co-workers invite you to join them in that stupid marathon that everyone’s going to run this year because they think it would be “fun” and a “team building experience”. Unless it’s the alcohol induced, panty-droppin’ affair called the Bay-to-Breakers in San Francisco, respond condescendingly with this statement:

I’ll probably be stuck in my home office ALL day long finishing up some ACTUAL work - which no one here seems to have, since you guys have all the time in the world to plan some stupid marathon. So you and your “team” will have to bond without me…while I’m busy keeping this company out of the “red”. Oh, and by the way, I call my home office my “burpee” room.

Scenario #3: A very important business client that your company depends on invites you to play a round of golf this weekend. Respond with the following - WORD FOR WORD:

You know…I’m really more into locking myself in my room and pulling the shades down REAL tight so that no light can come in. I’ll blast “Mother and Child Reunion” by Paul Simon on my iPod Bose Soundock to get that adrenaline really flowing. Then, when I feel the time is just right, I’ll see how many burpees I can do before passing out on my velveteen bean bag. So…to answer your silly question…NO…I won’t be joining you on your precious, little round of golf.

Follow this ‘close-minded’ attitude, and you’ll be in shape in no time.

The Beauty of Burpees

If you have ever done burpees, you know how ridiculous you look while doing it. The beautiful thing about this exercise is that no one has to see you do them. You can do them in the comfort of your locked room (or garage) since you only need a 7ft x 7ft area at most. Which brings me to another interesting fact. Burpees are the preferred body-weight exercise of most hardened federal inmates because of the limited cell area in which they are confined. In order to get you motivated, you can pretend that you’re locked in solitary confinement (perhaps in the “SHU1”) serving 25 years to life. You can even come up with a back-story for yourself: think big, like murder, rape, kidnapping, child molestation, animal abuse, sexual assault, arson, grand theft auto, etc. There’s no end to the possibilities!

Important Motivational Advice for Federal Inmates:

Do some DAMN burpees! It prepares you in getting up off your stomach real damn fast when you feel that you’re going to be raped in the butt. Don’t be like that dude from the prison movie American Me (1992). The inmate in question didn’t do enough burpees to save his butt cherry in prison. Sadly, he got his “sh*t pushed-in”…so they say. So, do your burpees OR ELSE.

burpeesHow to do Burpees:

  1. Stand at attention with your feet slightly apart.
  2. Squat down and place both of you hands on the floor.
  3. Perform a “squat thrust” by kicking your feet straight back while simultaneously lowering yourself into the “down” pushup position.
  4. Complete the pushup and immediately jump your feet forward and back into the lowered squat position from step #2.
  5. Now jump as high as you can.
  6. Repeat steps 2-5.

Burpees Workout Routine #1:

Start from one side of the room and do 10 burpees. Walk across the room and do 9. Continually decrement the number of burpees in each set by one until you get to zero (Ex: 10, 9, 8, 7, etc.). Try to limit the amount of rest between sets to the bare minimum. You may have to start with 7 and work your way up to 10 burpees as you get into better shape. FYI - Some prisoners can do this workout beginning with 20 or 30 burpees with little or no breaks. Some of them are getting out soon too, so be prepared.

Burpees Workout Routine #2:

Your goal here is to be able to do 10 sets of 10 burpees with a 1 minute break in between. You may have to start out with 5 sets of 8-10 burpees with a 1-2 minute break in between and work your way up. I have a friend who incorporates this routine in order to prepare his cardio for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu tournaments (he gets to the point where he only takes 30 second breaks).

Burpees Workout Routine #3 (not recommended for the anti-social):

No routine here. Do them randomly. For example, when you’re in line at the grocery and the person in front of you is taking their “sweet ass” time unloading their shopping cart, do a set of 10 burpees. When your girlfriend is in the middle of confronting you with evidence that you’ve been cheating on her, bust out with a few burpees while you totally ignore her. Whether you’re at the movies, the mall, the weekly engineering meeting, or your best friend’s funeral, stop whatever you’re doing and do some burpees.

Burpee Variations:

  1. Do burpees under a pull up bar. When you jump up, grab the bar and do a pull up.
  2. Do burpees without the jump and/or pushup (see lady in the graphic above).
  3. Do burpees, but as you finish your push up, stay in the “pushed up” position and do some “mountain climbers” or some “squat thrusts“. I saw an inmate doing this in his cell on the documentary show “Lockup: San Quentin“. And yes, he was in shape.

Who’s doing Burpees?

  • Hardened Prisoners (rapists, child molesters, serial killers, gang members) - JOIN THE ELITE CLUB!
  • OfferOfTheDay.com - Yes, we’re slightly obsessed.
  • Bear Grylls - in one episode he did 3 burpees (without the jump) to warm himself up after jumping into ice water.
  • The armed forces
  • Wrestlers and Martial Artists (it’s a great practice for “sprawling”) - I saw UFC fighter Forrest Griffin do a burpee when he got into the octagon to fight “The Dean of Mean” Keith Jardine. He then got his lights knocked out. He should have done at least 10.
  • The youth of America in P.E. class

Other Burpee Reading:

  1. Secure Housing Unit - pronounce like the word “shoe”. This building is usually reserved for the most violent of criminals. [^]
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10 USER COMMENTS:

By Grover on 12/03/2007 at 5:23 pm -

So WTF u-all? Anyone not owning consumer shit like iPods should endure capital punishment or something? Do their burpees on death row? I’m surprised you’re not selling burpee gear :`(

By ryadmin on 12/03/2007 at 9:37 pm - <- Administrator

Grover wrote:

So WTF u-all? Anyone not owning consumer shit like iPods should endure capital punishment or something? Do their burpees on death row? I’m surprised you’re not selling burpee gear :`(

WTF. WTF indeed…
The closest we could come to “burpee gear” is orange prison jumpsuits.

By Editor’s Top 10 Posts on 12/04/2007 at 1:42 pm -

[…] About Us Burpees: Keep in shape, prison style! […]

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[…] OfferOfTheDay, we believe the burpee is possibly best body weight exercise ever invented. If you don’t do them, you’re a […]

[…] consider myself an open-minded person. I scoffed at the thought of doing burpees when I first heard of them, but now I’m a burpee evangelist. Regarding ghosts, there are some […]

By re on 02/22/2008 at 9:54 am -

I just love burpees, never been to jail though, i don’t intend to go there, but if i do ill make sure i can do 30 descending sets non- stop first!!!!! love burpees, especially with the push up involved.

[…] Gym provides the ability to do pull-ups, push-ups, chin-ups, dips, crunches and more. Throw in a burpee routine and you’ll be in shape in no […]

By Gip Nyong Tsan on 07/12/2009 at 4:30 am -

Fuck you, you carwash cunt.

[…] three consecutive burpees1 to get “warm” after jumping into ice cold […]

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